


Special Ringtone

by taeminhyuk



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, all in the name of the good intentions tho, don't hate him, drrrrramatic, i guess it's ko ko bop era for sehun?, i ship seho now, kinda angst, misjudged actions but luhan really acted like an asshole, sweet combat shooting era, the war era, who cares his hair is orange, xiaotong is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-08-02 21:52:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16313330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeminhyuk/pseuds/taeminhyuk
Summary: It was precisely 11:32pm when Luhan heard his favorite ringtone making his phone buzz under his cat on the couch. He slid his finger through the screen, bringing the device to his ear, his heart beating so hard it was almost painful.“Hyung?” Sehun seemed as uncertain of what he was doing as the Chinese himself. “Are you there?”





	1. I have questions

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys! this is my first time posting exo content here, and I'm shy lmao special ringtone has been sitting on my drafts for almost three months now, and I honestly can't look at it any longer so here it is. it will be divided in two parts just so it's not so tiring to read (also because I have yet to finish editing the last part lol) I hope you enjoy <3

 It was precisely 11:32pm when Luhan heard his favorite ringtone making his phone buzz under his cat on the couch. He looked at it a bit startled, adrenaline flowing through all his body as he moved the ginger cat from the couch with a bit of effort and stared at the screen a few more seconds, not believing the name written in there was Sehun’s. Luhan slid his finger through the screen, bringing the device to his ear, his heart beating so hard it was almost painful.

 Luhan feeling incapable to say anything first, and the seconds dragged along, the only sound coming from the other side being a soft, barely noticeable breathing. He felt silly thinking he could acknowledge Sehun just by his breathing rhythm, but he let himself think _I knew it!_ when the younger filled his ears with his voice _._

 “ _Hyung_?” Sehun seemed as uncertain of what he was doing as the Chinese himself. “ _Are you there?_ ”

 Luhan could to explode. He sincerely thought he could burst into a million pieces just by hearing Sehun call him hyung again. It’s been so long. He left in good terms with EXO, but the goodbye was decisive, and it had been years since the last time he spoke to most of the remaining members.

 Sehun and Xiumin were the ones he missed the most. And although Luhan never failed to send Minseok the best of wishes on his birthday every year, the response always fell flat on him, as if they weren’t friends anymore, just long term acquaintances, and it was awkward, but he understood him. Lay was often sending him cute animal videos that never failed to bring up a smile on Luhan’s face, and they had light, easy talks that didn’t mean anything other than that they still cared for each other. Ever since Tao left, he’d also became a frequent in Luhan’s inbox messages, and they got each other’s back no matter what.

 But he never attempted any contact with Sehun after he stained Luhan’s shirt with tears, before he left the dorm to never return. His soul itched for Sehun, but it was better that way. Nevertheless, whenever he bought a new phone he’d set the same special ringtone for Sehun’s number, just to be sure he’d know who it was if he ever tried to call him after everything he’d done.

 And now, three years later, he and Sehun were on line for the first time. Luhan always questioned himself about what he would tell him if they’d ever talked to each other again, but his mind simply went blank when it happened, his heart beating so fast in his rib cage he was afraid Sehun could hear it over the phone.

 “I am.” He replied in a whisper. “It’s been a long time, Sehun-ah.”

 It was weird to even say his name out loud, at the same time it was oddly freeing. He missed him. He missed him desperately, and just this awkward phone call was overwhelming.

 Sehun took his time to say something again. Luhan sensed he was worried he’d mess up. After all, he didn’t know Luhan anymore. Years had gone by, they had changed and Sehun had all the reasons in the world to calculate his words and to walk on eggs with him, but Luhan couldn’t help feeling a bit saddened by it.

 “ _I’m in Beijing._ ” He breathed out, sounding a little desperate to Luhan’s attentive ears.

 Luhan’s stomach dropped with the sudden information. Sehun was close. He cared to call and say that he was close. Did it mean he wanted to meet up? Luhan opened his mouth to ask that, but Sehun answered his unsaid question before he could.

 “ _I want to see you._ ” The way he said it, so rushed and secretive, felt exactly like that, as if he wasn’t supposed to be saying all this. Luhan was torn between finding it adorable and disturbing. Should they be this awkward with each other?

“I…” Luhan started, choking out with the insane amount of thoughts running through his mind right in that moment. They couldn’t simply meet up somewhere, as if the whole China didn’t know who they were. “I’m at home right now.”

 Sehun interrupted him quickly. “ _Tell me the address._ ”

 Luhan almost let out a heartfelt chuckle. Something about Sehun hasn’t changed, at least. He still thought things were much easier than the truth.

 “We can’t meet up here. It’s too obvious.” He said, hoping Sehun would understand. “Where are you staying?”

 

 

 And just like that, Luhan was inside a cab, heading to the hotel Sehun was in. He could have driven, but he was quite sure sasaengs knew his car pretty well. And maybe, just maybe, he was way too fidgety and distracted to be able to drive without running red lights or hurting someone.

 While the city lights crossed past his vision in nothing but an unimportant blur, droplets of water racing each other down the window glass, Luhan asked himself a dozen times if he knew what he was doing. There was no point in seeing Sehun again if he was going to mess up the promises he made to himself before leaving the group, and the healing the younger had gone through. He hoped.

 Leaving was the best thing he’d ever done to himself. No treat would be compared to how good it felt to step up and change life on his own call. Not all was lost. He could certainly survive on his own. He could be healthy again, get rid of the anxiety attacks that happened on each and every plane the group hopped on. He could rest and eat well and not have migraines whenever lights flashed upon him. He didn’t have to live off some poor lines on each song, he got freedom to produce and he was properly paid.

 He had moved on from EXO long ago. They weren’t constantly on his mind anymore, and he didn’t miss them as much as he did in the first few months. They also weren’t a sensitive topic for him, at least not personally wised. They had been brothers to him once, a family of all sorts, and he would never deny them as his past. Professionally speaking, it was a bit rougher than this, and had more to do with Lee Sooman than the other ten boys he left behind, especially Sehun. He was the only one Luhan struggled to say goodbye to.

 When the car parked in front of the hotel in question, Luhan had to force himself to pay and get out instead of chickening out and requiring the driver to take him back home.

 He strode into the big doors after adjusting his face mask, trying not to get either too wet by the rain or recognized by someone, and politely asked the kind-looking receptionist where Oh Sehun’s room was.

 “Your name?” She asked, staring intently at him, probably trying to see behind the thin fabric covering half of Luhan’s face.

 “Lian Qing.” He lied. Sehun had sent him a message as soon as he got into the cab, explaining he’d make sure the receptionist would let a Lian Qing up.

 The woman typed something on her obsolete computer before shooting him a relenting smirk.

 “Room 1080. Mr. Oh will be noticed about your visit.” The woman said, and Luhan gave her a quick bow, grinning behind his mask while he walked across the foyer to the elevator, happy that nobody would ever have to know he and Sehun were in the same place for the first time in three years. He’d spent all this time trying to untie himself from the “former member of EXO” image, as well as SM had prohibited EXO to talk about any of the ex-members. It would be an utter disservice if anybody found out, and it could put them both in big trouble with the agency as well.

 He waited for the elevator with an old couple next to him. When the door opened, Luhan let them in first, bowing quickly but respective to them, and offering a smile they could only see if they paid attention to his wrinkled eyes.

 They left on the sixth floor, and then Luhan was alone. He tapped his fingers in the mirror behind him, a random rhythm. His heart was swelling up inside his chest and it felt hard to breathe. He felt wary of an anxiety attack, one of those he hadn’t had in a long time. He took one deep breath, repeating to himself in a murmur everything was going to be fine.

 Luhan left a bit wobbly when the door opened to the tenth floor. What if they didn’t click anymore? What if that awkward phone call was all that there was to be between them now? What if they had changed so much over the past four years that this meeting would, in the near future, be nothing but a regret? . He did his best to push those thoughts to the rear back of his mind. It’d be useless to back away now.

 When Luhan spotted the 1080 etched beautifully and in a golden glowing color, he walked there without any hesitation, but he couldn’t bring himself to knock, dumbly staring at the imponent piece of wood separating him from the best part of his past. Suddenly he didn’t know how he’d gotten there, or why, and he realized he didn’t cut off all his ties with Sehun just because of Sehun. He did it for himself too, but in his case it didn’t work. And that was terrifying.

 He would stay there, probably the whole night just staring at the door if it hadn’t been opened by orange-haired Sehun, making Luhan’s body tense immediately.

 Sehun had built up, he could see it by how large his shoulders were underneath the leather jacket. He had lost his baby fat and even if his face was still as stern as ever, it didn’t hold that child-like look Luhan remember wanting to protect so much anymore. He was a full man now, and breathtakingly so.

 “The receptionist called me ten minutes ago, and you still hadn’t knocked. I imagined I should…” He had probably sensed how nervous Luhan was ‘cause his expression twisted from edging nonchalance into worry. “Are you okay, hyung?”

 No.

 “Yes,” Luhan replied instead. “I was just…”

 As if reading his mind, Sehun flashed him a small – almost sad – smile.

 “Gathering nerve?”

 Luhan nodded, a bit unsettling in the stomach. He was sure to be making justice to the meaning of his name right now, looking at Sehun like a lost, wide-eyed deer. He didn’t feel his twenty-seven years at all.

 Sehun stepped aside to let him in, and Luhan wasn’t surprised to find out he was jelly on the knees. He took a deep breath, taking off his mask and walking by Sehun. He wasn’t fresh out of the shower, Luhan could perceive that, but he had applied perfume not long ago. Somehow, the thought of him doing that was soothing for the Chinese’s anxiety.

 The room was marvellous, but held that lack of personality all hotel rooms did – the reason why Luhan knew Sehun hated them – and he could see a modest luggage atop of the majestic sheets. When he looked back at Sehun, taking in the way he was dressed and the sheer tiredness visible on his face, he spilled:

 “You just arrived?”

 The younger nodded, looking to the ground and hiding a smirk. If they were in 2013, Luhan would reach his hand and stroke his chin, and the mere idea made his skin crawl. He wasn’t used to this amount of nostalgia. He didn’t like it.

 “I’m here for a photoshoot.” He explained, sticking his hands on the pockets of his jacket. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

 Luhan wasn’t sure what to make up of that. He knew the group had been to China dozens of times ever since he left. But Sehun had wanted to see him only this time, for some reason, and when he was by his own.

 “Is this too weird?” Sehun asked, and he was taking control of their first talk in three years, showing Luhan how much he’d grown.

 Once again, the Chinese felt conflicted. He used to be the one to assume control, and following Sehun’s lead was weird, although he couldn’t do much to avoid that.

 “Unsettling, to say the least.” He replied, mustering up a smile.

 He didn’t know if he was happy to be there, if that had been a bad idea and what were the intentions behind this sudden reencounter. He couldn’t wait to see Sehun during the time they spent apart, but now he longed for his bed, his cat and a fair distance from the former band mate.

 “I wasn’t sure if you’d really come.” Sehun said, dragging himself to the bed and heaving his butt on the mattress.

 He didn’t call Luhan over, and the latter was thankful for that. He wanted to stay standing. It’d be easier to run away if he was already on his feet.

 “Hell,” Sehun continued, with a humorless huff. “I didn’t even know if you’d pick up.”

 Luhan wanted to say how much he expected that call, and how unbelievable it was when he saw Sehun’s name on the screen, but his mouth kept shut.

 “Did you know it was me or was I a bad surprise?”

 It was somehow funny how little Sehun thought of him, but Luhan couldn’t blame him, could he?

 “Your ringtone is still the same.” Luhan confessed, and with that the sourness in Sehun’s expression softened, and his eyes decided to scrutinize the carpet.

  _Sehun had picked the ringtone for himself. Luhan was sitting on the couch of the EXO-M’s dormitory, watching a movie with the other five unit members and Sehun, when his phone was wrangled out of his grip by the youngest. Luhan hated people fumbling through his things, and he was wary of whatever it was Sehun was doing with his device. He couldn’t help but laugh when the maknae tested out some ringtones, bothering the others who were trying to focus in the TV._

_“Whenever I want you to come have bubble tea with me, you’ll hear this and know it’s me, which means I’m unignorable and a top priority.” He had stated, handing Luhan’s phone back._

_Luhan laughed out loud, slinging an arm around his neck and speaking into his ear not to perturb the others more – Kris was showing clear signs of wanting to kick them._

_“It also means I’ll have to come up with reasons why I’ll ignore all your calls.”_

_Sehun looked at him with a sly smile on his face, their noses almost touching with the excuse of not upsetting the others._

_“Don’t bother. I’d still have Tao to come with me.” He teased, savouring on the chuckle of disbelief coming from Luhan._

_“Bubble tea is our thing. Even if you go with him, it won’t taste the same without me there.” He retorted, the movie just background noise at this point._

_“You think too highly of yourself, hyung.” Sehun laughed quietly._

_Luhan fondly stroked his chin, giving him a playful yet hurtful punch in the arm afterwards._

_“Shut up, maknae.”_

 Those memories with Sehun were Luhan’s favorites. Their banter, their bubble tea dates, their mutual understanding and even their inconstant arguments would be forever precious to him.

 This uncomfortable silence was so unlike them. The way Sehun looked at Luhan now, devoid of all that admiration he had in the past, was so discrepant from their usual dynamics. They weren’t a team anymore, they couldn’t understand each other just with looks anymore, Luhan couldn’t understand Sehun’s cravings just by looking at him anymore. They were, to a level, complete strangers.

 “Why did you call me?” Luhan asked, not bearing the quietude anymore. He needed to know that. Sehun couldn’t possibly had called him just because, after all these years. He needed a reason, and judging by the sour way he was speaking his words into existence, it wasn’t a good one.

 Sehun’s eyes focused on him again, and stood there for a while. Although he clearly wasn’t giving Luhan an once-over, nor scanning him looking for physical flaws, the older still felt self-conscious enough to press him on.

 “Sehun?”

 “I missed you.” He spoke, lightly, his voice becoming acid right on the next sentence. “Isn’t that why friends call each other?”

 Friends. Luhan didn’t think of Sehun as a friend anymore. He was a special part of his past, for sure, but he couldn’t let him be more than that on his mind.

 “Even if said friends ignore all your attempts to talk to them.” Sehun spoke, loud and firm, words cutting in like knives through Luhan’s heart.

 He shot the younger a tired look.

 “Sehun, you don’t understand…” He started, but Sehun wasn’t letting him talk. He was taking control again, and Luhan was starting to hate this new trait of his behaviour.

 “Junmyeon-hyung told me everything.” Sehun rested his elbows on his thighs, giving Luhan an accusatory look.

 Luhan sighed. He should’ve expected it. “He did?”

 “I hated you before, Luhan.” Sehun squinted, rubbing the palm of his hands together in deep thought, again not looking at the anxious man standing across the room, who was shaken by the heaviness of those words. “But when I found out it just made me hate you more.”

 Hate weighted too much as a word itself. Luhan’s heart dropped hearing it come from Sehun’s mouth twice, and in a speech about him.

 “It was the best for you.” Luhan’s fierceness came back to him, for the first time that night ever since he decided he was meeting Sehun. “You can hate me all you want but I did it because it was the best for you.”

 Sehun pushed himself to his feet in a rush of anger that flashed across his face so suddenly Luhan was sure he was about to be punched. But as soon as the anger appeared, hurt took over his expression and his strained voice proved him how difficult it was for Sehun to hold back his tears.

 “You messed it all up!” Sehun was loud, and his words hurt Luhan’s ears for more than the loudness. “You say you were trying to protect me but I’m not a child now and I certainly wasn’t one when you left us.”

 Luhan wasn’t one to lose on a battle for higher tone. He hadn’t suffered all this time just to take Sehun’s crap.

 “I wanted you to move on!” He roared back, eyes fiercely settled on Sehun’s. “I wanted you to let go of me so you wouldn’t suffer when I wasn’t around. And it was worth it in the end because you took three years to look after me.”

 Sehun laughed bitterly at that remark, shaking his head in disbelief.

 “Did you come up with that plan yourself?” He inquired, rhetorically, unwavering gaze under Luhan’s. “You just made me feel abandoned, Luhan. I felt like part of the reason why you left. All these years. Now tell me: was I?”

 Luhan’s shoulder dropped, but he refused to lower his voice before Sehun again.

 “Don’t act dumb, Sehun. It doesn’t suit you.” Luhan caught himself wondering why he was still there. He knew it was a bad idea. Nothing good could come out of the past, and Sehun and EXO were nothing but the perfect embodiment of that word. “It was good to see you, but I hope I never have to anymore.”

 He strode towards the door, and when his hand grasped the doorknob, Sehun’s stopped him from pulling it open.

 “You’re not leaving yet.” He bossed, fiery eyes making something ill churn inside the older.

 As a kid, Luhan used to get beaten up by his parents for his lack of obedience. The anger boiling up in him now was an indicative that nothing had changed about his stubbornness. Sehun was demanding him to stay, but Luhan was hearing the exact opposite.

 He tried to open the door even with Sehun’s hand on top of his, and when he managed to pull it a few centimeters open, Sehun shut it again, tight-lipped.

 Luhan thought there was no use to be in the same room with Sehun if only to be blamed and accused. He tried to pry the door open again, and yet one more time Sehun proved to be stronger than him.

 Luhan pushed to the rear of his mind all the times Sehun had outdone him on strength games years ago, and how Luhan liked to say he let him win just for being the maknae.

 He wouldn’t beg for him to let go. It was too humiliating and Luhan was a man fully capable of getting what he wanted.

 To prove that, he child-likely tried to pull the doorknob again, using both his hands now – one over Sehun’s – and applying all the force he had within his body to get the job done and failing pathetically.

 Sehun released it with a tired sigh, giving up on Luhan’s insistence. The Chinese didn’t spare him a glance before heading out, but his wrist was grasped as if they were characters of a drama, with the only difference that he was about to throw his free hand in the male lead’s direction.

 “I need answers.” Sehun’s orbes met Luhan’s, a strong gaze that seemed as fragile as when they first met, when he made an inner promise to always be there to care for him.

 It was the most vulnerable Luhan had seen of him that night, but it wasn’t enough to make him stay anymore. He shook his hand out of his grip.

 “Hyung.” Sehun pleaded. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t plan it to go this way. I just need to hear it from you.”

 Luhan’s resolve to leave weakened at Sehun’s apology. It was useless to battle over who could be the most loud and hurtful, ‘cause it only spurred him further into his stubbornness, and he saw no point in having accusations thrown his way. Especially if they were hard to explain.

 “What? What is it that you need to hear, Sehun?” He asked, not bothering to hide the anger in his voice.

 Sehun gave him an apologetic yet steady look.

 “Can we start over? Come inside, let’s sit down and talk like adults. I promise I won’t yell at hyung again.”

 Those few moments of silence between them were starting to become more common, yet none less awkward. Luhan contemplated his options in silence.

 He could stay there and answer everything Sehun asked with all the rationality and honesty within himself, but his skin crawled just to imagine the possibility of growing closer to him the way they used to be.

 He was used to being by himself by now, of drinking disappointing bubble teas alone, of playing with the chin of his cat and being wryly ignored. An hour ago, meeting Sehun seemed fulfilling, like killing the longing he felt for four years. Now, Luhan asked himself if it was worth it to stay in his company for much more.

 Luhan should’ve expected changes. He should’ve expected Sehun not to be the same rainbow-haired boy who was so easy to take care of, stubborn and strong-headed yet so loving and shy. He should have, but he failed miserably, and having him there, more mature and easily admitting his mistakes, was like being punched in the stomach. The rest of the group must be proud, Luhan thought. They raised him well.

 But he wasn’t useful to Sehun now. After all his questions got cleared up, Luhan was sure he’d never look for him again. All he needed was peace of mind, not his closeness. And that was Luhan’s own doing, why was he so angry about it?

 “Is this why you bothered to call? For answers?” He urged to know, more hurt flowing through his words than he was proud of.

 Sehun shook his head, gaze fixed on the fragment of his past standing in front of him.

 “I told you I missed you. But hyung never replied to any of my messages, and I started to believe you just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.” He paused for a second before shrugging. “Which is fine. I don’t want anything that you don’t want to give me, I’m not going to push you into being my friend again, but I have questions. Many of them, and nobody can answer besides you.”

 Luhan saw the hurt himself was feeling reflected on Sehun’s face, and realized how misjudged his actions had been.

_He recalled Suho coming to ask him when would he tell Sehun about his departure. Luhan was sick and had missed concerts, but the anxiety of telling Sehun he was leaving was eating him from inside out. The rest of the group was aware and respected his decision to tell the maknae on his own time and terms._

_Except that Luhan couldn’t. Everytime he was alone with Sehun, he braced himself for the conversation but the fateful words died on his throat the first time those brilliant eyes gazed at him as if he was his biggest treasure._

_He finally did a week before, and he wasn’t proud to say he needed Xiumin to help him tell. Regret washed over him when he saw the hurt and the anger on Sehun’s face for not being told sooner. Luhan apologised, profusely, but didn’t explain his reasons. Hours later he’d told Suho why it would be good for Sehun not to keep in touch with him, and how he’d need the rest of EXO to fill in the blanks his departure would leave in Sehun’s life. The leader firmly disagreed, but Luhan made him promise, and Junmyeon was not the one to break promises._

_Throughout the rest of that week, Sehun changed with Luhan. Subtly, but he did, and Luhan could only blame himself for it. They were close, they confided in each other, and being the last to know about something so life-changing hurt Sehun’s pride, and rightfully so. The night before leaving, when all his belongings were packed and sitting in the middle of the living room, Sehun hugged him tight without saying a word, and Luhan didn’t let him go back to EXO-K’s dorm that night._

_The morning after they all hugged and wished positive things to Luhan. It was soothing to know they were rooting for him, because his future was uncertain and scary and it seemed so lonely without the other ten people he had gotten used to call family._

_“I’m not drinking bubble tea until we see each other again.” Sehun smiled at him, puffy-eyed._

_It was a sweet silly thing to hear, and it should’ve warmed his heart but it only cracked it into pieces._

_“Because it’s our thing?” He mustered up a smile._

_“Because it doesn’t taste the same without you.” Sehun confessed, receiving a pinch on the cheek as a reply._

 Luhan always wondered if Sehun kept his promise, or if he found someone new to have bubble tea dates with. If it was better than going out with him, if he had more fun, if he took them to their favourite parlour.

 Yes, having haunting unanswered questions – no matter how silly they seemed – can keep a person from letting go. Luhan needed to give closure to Sehun, and maybe have his own, too.

 “Let’s go back in, then.”


	2. Set me free again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after months of rewriting here and there and editing and still not feeling it's right i just got tired lol (as usual) and here it is

 Twenty minutes later, they were sitting cross-legged in bed, facing each other but keeping their distance. Sehun had called room service to order a coffee and something to eat, claiming he hadn’t eaten anything since Korea, and he didn’t need to ask Luhan before ordering an Americano for him.

 

 They discussed the hotel’s facilities, disagreed on the right temperature for the heater, talked about the annoying teenager Sehun had to put up with on the plane and the instability of the weather at the Mainland that particular night. Pretending the atmosphere between them wasn’t heavy as an elephant helped it fade a little.

 

 the temperature on the heater – Luhan liked it colder but Sehun liked it the way but he lowered a few numbers anyway, the annoying teenage boy that he had to put up with on the flight, and how unstable was the weather at the Mainland that night in fact helped them loosen up.

 

 “What a long wait.” Sehun complained, and somebody knocked on the door as if on cue.

 

 They laughed together at the coincidence and the younger got up from the bed to open up the door, Luhan’s eyes boring holes onto his back as a machine-gun.  His broad shoulders, toned arms and muscled thighs were new to him. Even his walk has gained more confidence, and rightfully so. Luhan asked himself how many people he dated since he went away.

 

 “I’m pretty sure I offended that guy with my Chinese.” Sehun joked, after closing the door with his butt.

 

 Just as if he was walking in a tightrope, he brought their orders carefully to the bed and placed them in front of Luhan, plopping on the other side and almost spilling both their coffees on the mattress. He seemed happier with the perspective of eating now, and had a smile on his face looking at the snacks. Fondness washed over Luhan’s body, unchanged. His lips turned slightly upwards and he didn’t notice.

 

 They stood in silence for a while, Sehun too busy sucking on the straw of his coffee and fumbling with the food before looking at him to offer some. He waved it away, not hungry at all, and told to be happy just with the Americano he was drinking a little much too fast. Sehun pushed it, as he usually did, until Luhan took a bite.

 

 “Happy now?”

 

 Sehun gave him a serious look.

 

 “You’re still too thin.” He took his first bite while watching the other frown.

 

 “No, I’m not. I’ve been working out.” Luhan defended himself.

 

 He could never build muscles like Sehun’s, but he was healthier than ever because of the latest drama role he’d just wrapped up filming.

 

 “You look worn out.” Sehun had a look of concern on his face that Luhan didn’t think to be deserving of at all. Weren’t they fighting just half an hour ago?

 

 He snickered, looking down at the tray of food.

 

 “For someone who hates me so much, you’re quite a mother.”

 

 Silence. As per usual. Sehun chewed on his food quietly before sighing and starting off the real deal.

 

 “I still worry about you, Kris-hyung and Tao-hyung. Just because you left it doesn’t mean I stopped considering you family.”

 

He was too good for this world sometimes. Luhan and the others had tried their best to untie themselves fully from the image of EXO, and he couldn’t speak from the other two, but he managed to think about his past in the group as nothing but that: the past.

 

“Did you?”

 

 Luhan was straightforward with his answer, because there was no reason not to be.

 

 “Yes, actually. Needed to do that to move on.”

 

 Sehun gave him a firm nod, that didn’t cover how bewildered he looked.

 

 “It’s no big deal.” Sehun said.

 

 It was a big deal for him, though. His eyes were way too fixed on the food and the coffee, avoiding Luhan’s eyes. It seemed like he was only trying out new ways to hurt Sehun with each passing moment.

 

 They should get this over with and end that torturing session as soon as possible.

 

“What are your questions for me? You need to rest for your photoshoot later and I don’t want to stay here until the sunrise. It’s half past midnight already.”

 

 He pointed at the digital clock atop of the bedrest, but Sehun didn’t look, straightening his position on the mattress and placing the food aside. He heaved a long sigh to gain the courage to start dwelling on the past.

 

“When you left, I kept reaching out to you, flooding you with messages everywhere, even calling when you ignored me. A week later the hyungs erased you from the contacts and the call history from my phone when I was sleeping. They refused to tell me why, and I threw a tantrum. Somehow… it was clear they were pitying me. Junmyeon-hyung, especially. I asked them if they were still in touch with you, and they all said no. But Yixing-hyung isn’t that good of a liar.”

 

 Sehun’s words clearly masked out some of the angst he promised to bury in deep before starting this conversation, but he was leveling and doing his best not to sound accusatory, and that made Luhan feel grateful.

 

“I didn’t understand the reason why you didn’t talk to me, but at that moment I stopped sending you messages on Weibo and Instagram too, because you were clearly ignoring me for a reason. I spent every night of the first two years laying my head on the pillow and asking myself what have I done wrong.”

 

Luhan had no idea how woefully had his plan turned out. He only had good intentions with it, maybe in a selfish way – because probably he was the one who needed to let go the most – but that couldn’t change the fact he only acted upon what he thought to be right at the time. Would 27-year-old him do this? He couldn’t say either. All he remembered was the anxiety eating his insides away whenever he thought about telling Sehun he was leaving the group, and how pissed off he was being the last one to find out. How could have he possibly said he wouldn’t be in touch with him afterwards? What kind of asshole does that?

 

“The first two years?”

 

 “Suho-hyung told me last year.” Sehun explained, dragging his index finger around the lid of his coffee. “It was our debut anniversary, we all talked about our memories, and you were in most of mine. So Junmyeon-hyung told me when we were in our room, about to sleep.”

 

“And then you began hating me.”

 

 “It made no sense to me, Luhan.” Sehun told him, apologetic yet unwavering on the steadiness of his speech. “It still doesn’t. For years I thought you had grown tired of me and leaving EXO meant you could finally get rid of me altogether. In fact, it still feels that way, which is why I took so long to call you even though Junmyeon-hyung gave me your number that same night. I needed the nerve, and I only have it now.”

 

“This is not it, Sehun-ah. At all.” Luhan gave in, raking a hand through his hair with anxiousness.

 

“Then what is it? You kept talking to others, but not me. Was I too clingy? We used to be the closest, but maybe you were just putting up with me because you had to.” There was a clear chaos in Sehun’s mind, a hurricane twisting the perspective of everything about him and Luhan, and it was getting the older desperate to pour all the truths on the table, to end once and for all the younger’s doubts and misconceptions, and all the damage he caused on him all these years – without even realizing it.

 

 “It’s exactly because we were way too close that I did what I did. I didn’t wait so long to tell you I was leaving the group because I was inconsiderate, but because whenever I tried the words died before spoken.”

 

Luhan paused. His emotions were bold to carry him away. And he’d let them. He could be vulnerable about Sehun, that was one thing he missed about the old days. They didn’t need a filter to speak to each other, they didn’t have to be afraid of sounding way too dramatic or even too harsh. They understood each other better than anyone else. He hoped this hadn’t changed.

 

“I just realized how dependant of each other we were. I loved our bond, but it wouldn’t stay the same after I left. I didn’t want you to miss me too much. I told Suho he should wait until you had gotten over us before letting you come after me. I never expected you to misunderstand all of it and hate me.”

 

Sehun was upset at Luhan’s words. It was clear on his face, and then on his words.

 

“How could you do this without talking to me first, Luhan? This was a decision I must have had part in. You couldn’t just assume what was best for me as if I were a kid.”

Luhan rubbed a hand against his face.

 

 “You’re right, I didn’t think it through. I was so sick and tired, Sehun. I could barely keep my head up because it hurt like hell and I wasn’t sleeping. I made poor choices and ran along with them. I didn’t question it and didn’t let either Junmyeon or Minseok question me about how fucked up the idea was. But in the end, I was the one who needed to let go of you, more than the opposite.”

 

Luhan had blurry memories of his last couple of months in South Korea. Airports were almost their hotels back then, and they were supposed to sleep during flights. He couldn’t. He had been afraid of heights all his life, but EXO’s schedules transformed him. He was acrophobic with terrible anxiety attacks that lasted, sometimes, the whole flight. He would look at Sehun – and sometimes Xiumin, Baekhyun or Tao – sleeping tight next to him, completely unaware of the danger it was to be up in the air this high, with little to no chances of surviving if the plane crashed, and feel jealous.

 

The anxiety made him sleep-deprived, and being sleep-deprived got him the worst migraines he’d ever experienced– mostly on stage, under all those lights and flashes – and this combo got him sick and hospitalized. He was a zombie, his reactions were automated and it was hard to keep focused. It was too easy to make a stupid decision like this.

 

“I didn’t leave because of you.” Luhan reinforced, because three years of silence wouldn’t go away with just a few of his truthful words. “If anything, you and the boys were the reason why I took so long to go.”

 

"Me and the boys." Sehun repeated,  a hint of bitterness in his tone. "It's never just me. I'm not special in any way, why only I had to stay in the dark for three years?"

 

Sehun was different from the rest. He was good different, he was warm fuzzy different, he was so different and so right Luhan didn't want to mess up. But he did, and three years later Sehun had given him a chance to mend things up.

 

 "You..." Luhan started, the words feeling too big to be spoken into existence.

 

Sehun waited and the stare made him waver.

 

"You were my favorite." Luhan admitted, the sentence sounding both frank and utter bullshit all the same. "That's it."

 

 He couldn’t voice it properly, but he missed everything, from the way Sehun’s chin felt on his fingers, to the annoying times when he climbed up his bed uninvited and had Luhan lecturing him about privacy and personal space while pushing him out.

 

The younger wasn't content with his half-hearted answers, and Luhan wasn't ready for his pointed questions.

 

"How did you like me, gege?" His Chinese sounded like music to his ears, making hard for Luhan to hide the proud smile.

 And there was also fear. Fear of answering this question. He heard it before, from so many people, including members. The answer could shut them all up but wasn't satisfactory for himself. As if there was something missing in the words he’d pronounce, as if they were too bland to convey his real feelings. He couldn't respond to it.

 

"A lot." He replied, in Chinese too. "I liked you a lot."

 

Chinese was his mother tongue, closer to his heart. Again, he didn't feel at ease answering the question, but somehow it could bother him even more to be so plain.

 

"Luhan." Sehun slipped back into Korean, brows knitted together. "Tell me I didn't imagine things."

 

Luhan frowned. "What?"

 

"Please, just..." He sighed, raking a hand through his orange hair is desperation. "Tell me you loved me back."

 

"Sehun, I..."

 

"I know you think you're straight but we weren't just friends." Sehun stated, gaze firmly fixed in Luhan's figure. His eyes were opaque and sad. "I loved you.”

 

 Luhan froze in the spot, and his stomach dropped down to his knees. Sehun got up the bed and came his way, holding tight on his shoulders as if he might slip through his fingers anytime just to run away from this conversation.

 

 “I thought you loved me too, but when you left me in the dark I questioned everything and thought I was just delusional. Tell me I wasn’t delusional, Luhan.” Sehun pleaded, his wide eyes and intense look almost sucking an answer out of Luhan’s lips. 

 

No.

 

Who was Sehun to tell Luhan how he felt? He couldn't just put words on his mouth like this.

 

He had gotten himself in this position, not Luhan. He had misunderstood their friendship, and there was never anything more than that.

 

They were friends. They did what friends did. They took each other out for bubble tea or lunch sometimes – just like Minseok used to take him out for coffee. They hugged tight sometimes – just like with all the members. They shared a bed sometimes, when Luhan felt like it – nothing new under the sun. Tao did that a lot. Luhan even used to scold Sehun when he did something childish – as a proper hyung would. It was the same, except that doing things with Sehun felt like a rollercoaster on his belly.

 

 “Sehun-ah.” Luhan spoke quietly, feeling physically exhausted. “I don’t know what I felt.”

 

 Sehun’s grip on his shoulders loosened, as well as the intensity of his gaze. He didn’t say anything, so Luhan took it upon him to explain.

 

 “I like women.” He blurted out. “And I liked you too but not this way. I don’t think it was this way. I don’t know.”

 

 Sehun leaned his face in a short few inches that were still a lot for Luhan’s comfort, and he took a step back. Sehun didn’t push it.

 

 “We fought for jealousy more than once.” Sehun reminded him. “You held my hand when nobody was looking. You sniffed me.”

 

 He let out a breathy laugh. “You liked to sniff me, Luhan. How can you say you didn’t like me?”

 

 Luhan said the only thing that came into his mind, feeling his face heat up with the sheer embarrassment of the memories of nuzzling his nose into Sehun’s jaw and neck either when he woke up or before bed.

 

 “We never kissed.”

 

 Sehun shook his head.

 

 “We didn’t have to. It’s much more than that. You know it is.”

 

 Sehun and Tao were close, and Luhan had never seen it coming the day he felt his stomach churning with sourness, like he had eaten something bad for lunch, just for seeing them cuddling in the couch, watching anime.

 

 He tried his best to hide his grumpiness when moments like this happened – and they happened a lot. Apparently Tao had taken upon himself to be all over Sehun whenever he got the chance.

 

 But soon enough, when Sehun’s figure started to draw more attention from him than ever, Luhan noticed he also felt jealousy. He noticed that all those times when Sehun ignored him or didn’t return a smile happened right after Luhan was friendly to other people – most specially Xiumin and other groups. He realized Sehun was possessive and liked to have his attention just for himself, but Luhan wouldn’t abide by his rules. He remembered one day, one bitter memory when they locked themselves in a bedroom and screamed at each other. Luhan addressing Sehun's jealousy, Sehun telling him it was his own fault, the rest of the members crowded against the door to eavesdrop.

 

 He cried once, in the middle of the night, because he didn’t understand himself anymore. He had new fears, new questions, new feelings bubbling up inside of him, and he couldn’t address or name any of them.

 

The truth had been always there, in Luhan’s core, waiting to be released. Waiting for Sehun to show up and claim it. But he was straight all his life, he couldn’t even picture himself kissing another guy – and Sehun could say all he wanted, of course kissing is important. He wasn’t gay. He wasn’t any different from what he thought he was. There was only a great deal of confusing feelings inside of him, that meant a lot yet not enough.

 

 “This is one of my questions, Lu-ge.” Sehun spoke, softly, in Chinese again. “It kills me inside.”

 

 “I don’t know. I really don’t.”

 

 “You do. You just don’t want to face it.” Sehun whispered, so confidently Luhan almost gave in. “You’re not going to be any less manly if you tell me the truth, you know.”

 

  Irritated, Luhan distanced himself from the other’s frame.

 

 “I am not gay!” He exclaimed, upset.

 

 Offended.

 

 “I’m not saying you are, Luhan.” Sehun sighed in frustration. “You can like both.”

 

 Luhan huffed in annoyance. He couldn’t handle this argument any longer. He was repeating himself for someone who seemingly wasn’t capable of understanding. Just like Luhan remembered him when they met and puberty was making Sehun act like the human embodiment of stubbornness.

 

 “We never kissed.” Luhan pointed out, one more time. “We held hands and hugged and slept in the same hotel rooms, just like everyone else did. We fought just like everyone else did.”

 

 “But you know it was different between us!” Sehun took a step closer again, tentatively. “And you’re just not accustomed to the idea of kissing or dating another guy. You don’t want to admit it to yourself, because it’s hard and I know it is. I’ve been there too. I know who I am, but I can’t embrace it.”

 

 “Then what’s the point of this conversation?”

 

 “We are alone here. No bit of our dignity can be taken away from us right now. I just want to know my first love was mutual.”

 

 Luhan’s ribcage was thumping with the beats of his heart against it, the damn rollercoaster all over again.

 

 Three words, he coaxed himself. All you gotta do is say three simple words.

 

 “It was mutual.” The words stumbled upon his lips, shyly, leaving before Luhan could even make an effort to hold them back or rethink them.

 

 It felt like confessing murder.

 

 Instead of a weight leaving his shoulders, it happened the exact opposite, and now he was carrying a plane on his back. How would his parents react if they heard him saying he had once loved another man? Luhan couldn’t fathom it worse enough, no matter how hard he tried.

 

 His whole life he heard how feminine his features were, how much he looked like a girl, how gay he acted. He fought to get rid of those labels, but somehow they only grew stronger. There was even a rumour once claiming he got pregnant.

 

 No matter how hard he tried to avoid being called those things, the words were always thrown at him in a pejorative way, dripping with disgust. And within time, he absorbed this disgust to himself.

 

 Acknowledging what he felt for Sehun was the same as going against everything he’d ever learned or had. He was twenty-seven and had never brought a girlfriend home. His parents put pressure on him and they were right. The name of the family should be continued on for generations, and Luhan wasn’t against that. He just never found the one. He waited for her, and she never came. So his parents did the job for him.

 

 He snapped back to the real world, without realizing Sehun had been talking to him all along, a huge smile plastered on his face, words like “proud”, “love” and “secret” being the only ones Luhan’s ears caught before words of his own slipped out unwillingly again.

 

 “I have someone now.” Sehun froze, his smile not reaching his eyes anymore. “We’re planning to disclose our relationship to the fans in a few weeks.”

 

 Sehun was deadly silent. His face didn’t show any expression anymore. They were back to square one.

 

 “Do you love her?”

 

 Luhan wished it was simple. And it had been a few hours prior. Xiaotong had been introduced to him through friends of his dad, her parents. They shared interests, and the talk was good and substantial. They were good friends until his parents came up with the bullshit talk again.

 

_“You’re getting old, son. A man your age should already be married with kids. Xiaotong is a good girl.”_

 

 She was a lot younger. So much that otherwise he wouldn’t have considered asking her out, but the nagging got into his nerves. Xiaotong was good to him, and thankfully he didn’t regret anything. She had crept her way into his heart with her kindness, her comprehension and the good care she took of him.

 

 But Luhan couldn’t ignore the fact that he hadn’t spared a thought about her ever since he heard that special ringtone again.

 

 “She is amazing.” He mustered up, attempting to avoid looking hesitant. “I wouldn’t be eager to show her off to the public if I didn’t think she was the one.”

 

 Sehun smiled faintly. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

 

 “I do love her.” Luhan confirmed, but himself wasn’t so sure of it.

 

 “Then I’m happy for you.” Sehun’s smile shone more brightly, and Luhan could perceive sincerity in his eyes, but he could also recognize hurt.

 

 And seeing Sehun hurt made him hurt too.

 

 “Well, I should go now, I guess. It’s quite late, and you have work tomorrow.” The clock behind Sehun marked 2 am. “Or today, depending on your point of view.”

 

 He should have asked about Sehun’s love life. Maybe he was seeing someone, maybe he and Tao did date after he left, but just picturing that made him sick to the stomach. No, he didn’t want to know.

 Sehun gave him a firm nod, lower lip stuck between his teeth. His gaze somehow was much more intense after Luhan’s news, and the older didn’t know what to make up of that.

 

 “Thank you for coming, hyung. Really, it means a lot to me.”

 

 Luhan walked up to him and stroked his chin, automatically making him smile, his whole face lightening up.

 “I really missed this.”

 

 That had been Luhan’s favorite sight when he was an EXO member. Not the sea of fans or the prizes they won, but Sehun’s smile when he touched his chin or told him a dumb joke.

 “I really missed _you_.” Sehun said, pulling Luhan into a tight hug.

 

 He could feel Sehun’s face tucked into his neck, breathing him in. He could feel his rhythmic breathing fanning against his skin and giving goosebumps all over his body. He could feel Sehun’s strong arms holding him close. Then Luhan’s own, not so strong arms hugged him back, short fingers clutching onto his shirt for dear life. It was weird how right it felt.

 

 He pulled back first, which was surely unsurprising for Sehun, but what caught him unguarded were the tears filling up the younger’s eyes. He was alarmed, with his mouth agape and ready to question if he was okay, when Sehun himself spared him of it.

 

 “Don’t mind.” He laughed it off. “I’m just so happy to see you again.”

 

 Luhan could only smile at that. It was a sad smile, for a reason he didn’t know. Did he feel sad? They were in good terms. They had cleared up everything. Why did he feel that there was something off?

 “I’ll text you.” Luhan said, already walking backwards towards the door. “I promise.”

 

 “I’ll wait.” Sehun watched him from his spot in the middle of the room.

 

 Luhan pulled the doorknob, and one foot was already out when he looked inside again.

 “Sehun-ah?” He called, waiting for their eyes to lock before asking the real question. “Did you have bubble tea dates with someone else?”

 

 Sehun chuckled, amused, and nodded.

 “I did, hyung, with Tao.”

 

 A twinge of jealousy stabbed Luhan in the chest. The exact one he was trying to avoid.

 “Oh.” 

 

 “But you know what? Bubble tea really doesn’t taste the same without you there.”

 

 Luhan approved the answer, and his smile clearly showed that. He murmured an almost inaudible “Good” before sliding his mask back on and closing the door behind him.

 

 On the elevator, he re-evaluated the turmoil of sensations inside of him. His mind was filled with Sehun and probably would stay like that for a long time. He sighed. The conversation replaying on his head like a movie. He heard himself saying he had been in love with Sehun. He felt again the weight of these words, how badly they could affect him and his career.

 

 But Sehun needed to hear and Luhan needed to say it. It’d probably take him a long time to accommodate into his mind the fact that he wasn’t as straight as he swore to be, but he wouldn’t take it back, either. Maybe he could convince his inner homophobic self that it was okay to be a little bent. To be a little bi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you spot any mistake please comment about it, and let me know what your thoughts on the story were too :D xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> please tell me what you think! if it's beeing too dragged or if you like the way it is, and of course if you spot any mistakes. sometimes I feel too anxious to answer the comments but I carry all of them on my heart and I reply to them one day (even if it takes a while), I promise!  
> thanks <3 <3 <3


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